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No Laughing Matter
Author:
D Anthony, D-Productions, 07/02
My
girlfriend doesn't like to be tickled. After a long hiatus,
her feelings about it resurfaced once again recently as
a major point of contention. While playing around, as
we do from time to time, I made the apparently grave mistake
of tickling her. In response to the cold reaction received
from her, my mood took a one hundred and eighty degree
turn. "I'm tired and you know I don't like to be
tickled" was her answer. "You don't have to
worry about it happening again" was mine. The tone
for the rest of the evening was set.
Thinking about
the interaction the next day, initially I found the situation
puzzling. It seemed to me that tickling is the most
natural way of eliciting one of the most fantastic gifts
the Almighty has granted us - the gift of laughter.
In fact it's so innate that, for the overwhelming majority
of us... my girlfriend included, it is an inherent and
undeniable component of our physical composition. Touch
certain areas of the skin and our sensory receptors spring
to life, sending messages to the brain - "we're being
tickled... it feels funny.'' How could anybody object
to that?
But, I imagine
it's what comes next that separates some people. How does
the brain interpret the sensory messages received? It
would appear that the brain chooses to react with one
of two responses - either relax this is natural and it
feels great, or tense up this is wrong. And if wrong
is the brain's response, it no longer feels good... it
can't feel good.
It should
be noted however, that obviously some tickling is inappropriate.
Whether a participant, situation, intention or any combination
of these, inappropriate tickling can illicit undesirable
feelings. And many times once a bad situation is experienced,
each subsequent instance, regardless of intentions, becomes
guilty by association. These situations can evolve into
long term psychological issues - and are beyond the scope
of this article.
As for the
rest of us, relax.... it's only tickling...
So what's
the origin of this problem anyway? It's likely the most
prevalent roots can ultimately be traced back to issues
of control and trust. To really experience pleasure
when tickled you have to be willing to relinquish control...
to be guided by nothing but the sheer physical pleasure
felt. (Children are typically much better equipped for
such unadulterated enjoyment of the simple things.) To
be comfortable being tickled you have to set aside control
and trust issues - assigning instead a premium to the
simple enjoyment of the here and now.
Thinking about
the required tradeoff a little more it became apparent
to me... being tickled is really just a metaphor for committing
to a relationship. The only way to truly get the most
out of either is to cast aside the need to control, trust
the bond between you and your partner and to simply enjoy
the experience and each and every sensation together.
I'm reminded
of a motivational speaker that told the story of a woman
in one of his sessions who was not happy in her marriage.
Upon further probing it was revealed that the core problem
was one of trust. It seems a past marriage, in which she
had completely trusted her spouse had ended in significant
pain... with him not being worthy of her trust. By her
admission, there was no way she would ever let herself
be hurt that way again. As a result, she didn't believe
she could ever relinquish that control and fully trust
anyone again.
The motivational
speaker asked her had she ever driven a car. A little
perplexed, she responded that she had. The speaker then
asked if while driving a car she had ever had the occasion
to find herself driving down a two lane road - with one
lane headed in each direction. Not sure where his line
of questioning was leading, she answered she had.
He then questioned
whether she had any control over the traffic in the oncoming
lane. She replied that obviously she did not. Bringing
his questioning to a close, he wondered if she had no
control over drivers in the oncoming vehicles and, obviously,
if someone wasn't as committed to safety as she was -
could error and cause her serious harm - why she ever
drove on a road like that. "I just had to take
that risk to get where I wanted to go", she answered.
"Oh...", answered the motivational speaker.
So if you
are one of the guarded ones... change. Find a way
to trust and let go sometimes. It's the only way to stop
missing out on the best that life has to offer.
And if you
happen to be shopping around for Mr. or Ms. Right, you
might try gauging any perspectives response to being tickled.
Chances are it will provide insight into their likely
tendencies and future capacity for openness in the relationship.
As for me,
I believe I already have my Ms. Right. And as I have noticed
some of the same tendencies in our relationship as a whole,
I guess maybe we've got a little talking to do...
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thoughts on 'No Laughing Matter'
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