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Heavenly Gain

Author: Anonymous, 07/00


April 1996 was the start of many things to change my life. The twenty-sixth of April I received a page from my cousin to inform me that my best friend passed away just the night before. At that very moment my life was turned upside down.

I began to cry; I did not want to believe that my friend was gone. We had talked on the phone the night he died. We would talk late at night and even early in the morning. See, he had been sick for a few years.

He was only twenty-eight walking around with portable oxygen. He had to have oxygen twenty-four hours a day. His out look on life was always positive. Even when he was not doing his best, he tried to ensure that the ones he loved were doing well.

Some of our late night conversations were about things he wanted to accomplish in this life. He wanted to have a child, which was his most important task. We also talked about how his illness was impacting him. There were many sleepless and painful days and nights. He had difficult breathing.

We have many memorable moments. Most of them go back to me causing some kind of trouble in his life, usually with one of his girl friends. It did not mater to me that his girlfriends did not like me, because it did not matter to him. We were always going to be friends not matter who was in our lives. It was like we were a package deal.

The last serious conversation that we had was about my decision to get my tubes tied. See! I had two children and I figured that I would not want any more. I was also having trouble in my marriage. He had the courage to challenge my decisions. The question was, "What do you do if you if your marriage does not last and you become involved with or even marry someone who has no children and wants children. What then?" Are you ready to for the possible consequences of your decisions?

Me being the kind of person I was. So sure of every thing, I was in control. Every thing in life happens for a reason and we can only control how we respond to any given situation.

One of the first signs I was not in control was when I received a page to inform my friend was gone. I felt like the people in the movies when they receive bad news. My world just stopped and all of my memories start to flash before my eyes. Sometime after the initial shock is gone, reality sets in. During reality I realized that there was an enormous void in my life.

My memories consist of the many arguments I caused between him and his girlfriends. The day we spent at the park. He took pictures of me on the rocks in the water. I slipped and fell in the water, if was funny to us, we laughed. He took me to my junior prom. He was at my graduation; he was at my wedding and I at his. We had talked just a few hours before he died. He was gone and I did not have the chance to say good-bye and thanks for being my friend.

Shortly after his death my marriage had many more issues. I separated and eventually divorced my husband. More interesting to me and not until now, is that I am involved with someone who has no children. He knows I cannot have any children without the intervention of modern medicine and technology.

My friend wanted me to consider all of the possibilities. I know he is watching over me saying I told you so. You were right and thanks for sending me someone else who will ask the tough questions. I love you and miss you. Please continue to watch over me; you will always have a place in my life.




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Heavenly Gain
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