A
close friend has an aunt who, after months of proving
a worthy adversary, appears to be succumbing to an increasingly
debilitating bout with Cancer. Unfortunately, many of
the familiar signs are there - the inhumanity of late
night Emergency Room visits extended periods without
the consumption of food blurred lines of reality
and occasional exclamations of 'being so tired'. And for
loved ones, the overwhelming feelings of helplessness,
frustration, sorrow, anger and fear continue to grow.
My friend's teary eyes boar witness to a grueling, yet
unsatisfied search for answers.
This
is the article I didn't think I would ever write -
Do you love
anyone? I mean do you really love anyone? I'm talking about the kind of love that has already stood
the test of time. I'm talking about the kind of
there's nothing more important in your life than your
love for that person kind of love. I'm talking about the
I would literally give my life for that person kind of
love.
Well, that's
the way I loved my Mom. Why? I don't know that I can really
say. All I know is that above and beyond giving me life,
she was honestly the nicest, most giving, most humble,
most down-to-earth, most loving person I've have ever
known. She had a smile that would warm any heart and
a heart that made everyone she touched just a little better. I never knew of a time that she wasn't giving or planning
to give again. There wasn't anything she wouldn't sacrifice
for me, and my siblings for family for friends
for her faith. She was the epitome of the most magnificent
complement that can be awarded to any being. She was a
loving Mother.
And there
wasn't anything I wouldn't do for my Mom if I could
-
I walked
in her room, took one glance in her eyes and knew One look told me everything I needed to know. Just a couple
seconds and the unimaginable burden of life's most unacceptable
truth would alter my destiny forever. My Mom was passing
on.
Nothing else
mattered not a month of prayers not the power
of positive thought not the tears or spiritual encouragement
of the best of friends not the visitation of her
children, and theirs not one passing medical expert
or any of their ineffective diagnosis. Nothing else mattered
- except my Mom was going to die.
Up to the
second I looked in her eyes I was convinced she would
beat her illness. There was no doubt that the plans we
made for the shopping spree and the grand meal once she
returned home was just a matter of time. The nurse had
called me at work indicating, "I should hurry to
the hospital my Mother's system was shutting down". I abruptly interrupted, "what do you mean
do something where is her doctor". But upon
arriving at the hospital I saw her eyes and knew
nothing else mattered. My Mom was going home.
I whispered,
"Mom it's okay I understand thank you
for everything I love you" -
Somehow,
I ignored every acceptable notion that I had ever had
every considerable possible outcome of my Mother's month
and a half hospital stay, which I had permitted to enter
my guarded realm of consciousness. Although she had stopped
speaking the previous week, her eyes told me what had
to be done. One look told me I had to let her go. It wasn't
easy, but somehow I knew it was what had to be done. Since
that day, I have come to believe this was the most
valuable gift I could have given her. In the most
selfless act I have ever even conceived - I told her it
was okay to go. As a result, I know she knew that I understood...
she was tired she had accepted her fate, which her
faith ensured was to better place. She knew I understood
that this was bigger than us, and beyond our control
that death was an inevitable result of every life.
I told my
Mother to go ahead home to say hello to her mother,
father and so many other family members and friends who
had previously departed. I thanked her for fighting so
hard, and for so long for everything she stood for
for making me the person I am. I then phoned my sisters,
my brother and my father. I informed each that she was
passing - holding the phone to her ear as each uttered
their tearful good-byes. It wasn't easy but it
was what had to be done.
A halt was
called to scheduled shots and procedures. After seven
weeks of medical attention from an assortment of doctors,
nurses, specialists, therapists and such obviously
my Mom's condition was beyond their control. My Mom's
life was in the Lord's hands. And all I could really
do was align my faith accordingly. A short while later
they moved Mom to a private room. Once everyone had left
the room I started her tape player. Sitting next to her,
trying to fight back the tears, I tried to savor every
contour in her face the feel of her hand her
scent her warmth. I felt the need to try to somehow
create a memory imprint - a permanent recording to have
for all time. I told her over and over how much I loved
her.
Then it happened.
As the room began to fill with Mahalia Jackson's spiritually
moving rendition of "In The Upper Room With Jesus"-
I realized Mom had just taken her last breath
There would
be no recovery. The horrible spirit of death had come
and robbed the very life from my Mother's body and
my life would never be the same.
I laid my
head on my Mother and, with tears now freely flowing, I sang "In The Upper Room With Jesus" to
her one final time. When the song ended, I rewound
the tape to the beginning of the song and walked out to
inform the nurse. The nurses rushed into the room to check
her vital signs. I followed, heading straight to the window.
Looking up in the clouds through my tears, I continued
singing "In The Upper Room With Jesus".
And it
was then, in my most devastated most humbled state
of my life - it happened. I can't explain what it
is. To this day I still do not completely understand.
All I know is that then and there, a feeling came over
me. It was there and it wasn't. I felt the amazing
presence of something bigger something more incredible
than I couldn't even begin to fully comprehend. Then,
as quickly as it came, it was gone - and so were any lingering
doubts. With unmistakable clarity I understood that my
Mom was in a better place my Mother was going to
be just fine. There, for the first time in my life,
I knew inner peace. It was there I realized that only
faith would see me through.
Looking
back on that day now, I'm amazed at some of my actions.
I'm amazed that her eyes could tell me so much amazed
that I could maintain some semblance of sanity of
calmness throughout it all. What I am most proud of however,
is the fact that I could overcome all my personal desires,
fears, anger, frustration, sorrow and everything else
- and tell her it was okay. There was no guilt and
no pressure only acceptance dignity
peace and faith in the Lord. She went peacefully,
knowing that I understood... She went, faithfully believing
we would see each other again It was the only fitting
way to end such a beautiful life.
Because of
its sensitivity, this is the article I didn't think I
would write. Because of my friend and so many others searching
for answers - I knew I had to.
I lost my mother
many years ago to cancer, so this story really touched
my heart. At the present time I have a close friend with
breast cancer fighting for her life. The chaplain asked
us what she was holding on for because she is in pain
and living on morphine. She has such a strong faith that
God can still heal her she refuses to let go. Thank you
for this story.
*
This article was so close to how my mom died. I felt the same way. She is in a better place. It was uplifting. I asked God to put an end to the pain she had been suffering for so long. I truly believe he heard me. She died less than 2 hrs later. I miss her terribly, but she will never have to struggle for her breath any more. Her heart is no longer broken.