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Winners And Losers
Author:
D Anthony, D-Rose Impressions, 12/01
Why
do we concentrate so much on the negative, while spending
little time on the positive? Why don't we celebrate more
and commiserate less? Why are ninety-five percent of lead
news stories covering some combination of ill will, disaster
and misfortune? Why does misery love company? Why is the
backed up line of traffic willing to slow down and gawk
at an accident so many magnitudes higher than those who
would think to stop and offer assistance?
I have a theory…
Somewhere early on in life (I don't know exactly when) we unknowingly come to accept that success is relative.
We assume the belief that success… good fortune…
any instance of accomplishment is not absolute. As such
the degree of meaning can only truly be measured in comparison
with the accomplishments of others. At some point in many
of our lives we subconsciously learn that doing well is
only half the battle. The real question is are we better
off than those around us? Early on we begin to adopt
these concepts - eventually to become the foundation of
our life-long competitive spirit. As children we are taught
it is not as important whether the race produced everyone's
personal best - but who came in first… who is the
most popular… who got the teacher's gold star.
We learn the importance of acceptance. We learn that
success is only relevant if it is realized, accepted and
even acknowledged by others. We eventually graduate from
gold stars, awards and trophies to job titles, ever-bigger
houses, more expensive cars, etc. - all prominently displayed
to bear witness to the relative value of our efforts…
of our being.
I had a discussion with a six year old recently in which
I wanted to know why she had been running in the street.
She informed me that each morning the kids raced to the
bus stop and she really wanted to be first. I asked why
it was so important and she responded (with tears in her
eyes) - "I never finish the race first". So
I asked her, "What do you get for finishing first?"
With that her expression (and mood) dramatically changed,
as she realized - "nothing".
Don't get me wrong… Sometimes life calls for the
competitive spirit. Sometimes it's perfectly necessary
to match your talents… your wits against others with
the opportunity for meaningful reward. It's the other
ninety-five percent of the time that we need to think
about.
Why does misery love company? If my theory is correct,
it's because if you are doing bad, by definition comparatively
I'm doing that much better. It's the reason for all the
carnage on the nightly news and the popularity of many
of the afternoon talk shows.
Parents, family, the educational system and society all,
knowingly or not, serve to nurture this mentality beginning
early in a child's developmental stages. It's not good
enough to know that the child talked or walked - we need
to know whether they did it at a pace that bested other
toddlers. Before long the child learns not only to compete
for the admiration of the parents (often to the detriment
of siblings), finally stepping up to kindergarten - and
the quest for the gold star. Whether through grading curves,
spelling bees, science fairs, school fund raisers, organized
athletics, etc., each child gets their turn to be indoctrinated
into the concept of 'Winners And Losers'. They quickly
learn that the pain of losing occurs much more frequently
than the pleasure of winning - eventually determining
the most effective way to be a winner is to ensure others
lose.
Misery doesn't really even like company… it just
wants to know that someone else is doing even worse.
The existence and impact of a lifetime of this conditioning
was made painfully obvious to me in a simple game introduced
in a company class a few years ago. The instructor asked
for two volunteers. A young woman and myself made our
way to the front of the classroom. We were seated in chairs,
back to back, and told we were not allowed to converse
with each other. With a bit of a smirk on her face, the
instructor explained that the game was called Auction.
She continued that the two of us would alternately bid
on coins - a penny, a dime and a quarter. At the end of
the first round we would settle up with the instructor
with our own money to complete the transaction. Two additional
rounds would be played after ours. She finished indicating
that she would explain the objective of the game after
all three rounds if we could not figure it out.
So there I was, my competitive juices flowing, sitting
back to back with this person I did not know…
my mind racing. Somehow, I told myself, I was going to
figure out the objective of the game and win. I had a
lot to think about as I tried to determine whether there
were any clues in the instructor's seemingly meaningless
chatter. The instructor was going from one of us to the
other… extolling the greatness of the penny up for
auction… securing from each of us our latest bid.
I decided that while I was figuring out how to win the
game, I would ensure that I was beating my opponent. I
decided at the very least I would walk away with two of
the coins. With each coin the competitive spirit seemed
to grow. By the end of the first (mentally taxing) round,
I had not figured out the objective of the game. I had
however, bided highest for the penny and the quarter -
settling up with the instructor for about one dollar and
fifty-six cents if memory serves me correctly. My opponent
then settled up for her newly acquired dime and we were
asked to return to our seats.
Two new volunteers were selected for the second round.
After receiving the same instructions, they found themselves
on the 'hot-seat' of the pressure packed auction with
the unknown objective. The second round ended with the
participants each settling up with the instructor for
a little less than the first round. And my guess is that
they walked away scratching their heads as well. (About
the only thing I had figured out to that point was that
this was turning into a pretty profitable side job for
the instructor.)
The instructor indicated she was giving the class five
minutes of discussion time before returning to complete
the final round. Via group discussion, we came to the
conclusion that the objective of the game was related
to a discussion held earlier in the day on finding win-win
opportunities - and decided on a suitable course of action.
Upon her return, the instructor requested two volunteers
for the last round. I again volunteered… joining
a first timer in the front of the class.
The instructor began her now familiar build up for the
seemingly priceless penny she held in her hand. The young
woman's opening bid was one cent. She then approached
me indicating she knew I could do better than that…
"Not interested", was my response. After a significant
amount of selling/coaxing, the response remained…
"not interested".
The instructor moved on to describing the incredible
dime in her possession, indicating she expected us to
do better than before. My opening bid... one penny. With
no counter offer coming to the auctioneer - a reluctant
sold was the only response. The magnificent quarter would
suffer the same fate when I responded that the one-cent
bid thus far was too rich for my blood.
The result… between us we made a thirty-three cent
profit. The moral… true winning had everything
to do with intelligently determining the most advantageous
course of action and nothing to do with ensuring my opponent
was a loser- in other words finding a win-win opportunity.
Truth be told, the instructor never referred to us as
opponents. That was the label I derived. She merely indicated
she needed two volunteers. It was a simple game with a
powerful message. Work against each other and lose over
two dollars collectively. Work with each other and split
a thirty-three cent profit.
Further analysis of this simple lesson suggests the need
for re-evaluation of many of our deep-rooted, widely accepted
perspectives on competition. It suggests that (similar
to when I walked away with two of the coins from round
one), often times we may think we are winning - but may
be missing the whole point. It suggests that when we go
into our familiar 'Winners And Losers' mind set, we may
actually lose regardless of whether we finish first or
last. Just a little something to think about the next
time your competitive juices begin to flow… the next
time you worry about how much someone else makes…
the next time you think about keeping up with the Jones…
the next time you set an example for your children…
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