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Losing My Mother

Author: LaVonda Brown, 11/04

When I was little, I remember always trying to please my mother. Not that I was an angel, but as a little girl I wanted so much to be the apple of her eye.

I had a rough child hood, as did she - with abuse as a grown up. Not hard as in poor and making ends meet, but hard as in the wrong men and wrong choices of fathers for me. Oh I was raised in nice and well off homes, but what was behind closed doors was way to unimaginable for how we lived. But I know she did what she felt was right for me as a child.

After I was grown, I was told over and over she didn't care or love me. After hearing this and seeing her let me down over and over again, it 'kinda just stuck - and I let go of ever trying to be her little girl.

Not long ago she called to say she was sick, and I, of course, blew it off as one of her poor me stunts... But little did I know this would change my life forever. She was always blowing things way out of proportion, so I assumed she was in one of her moods I had grown so used to. I finally went to see her and I was in utter shock. She lied there lifeless, not able to move any part of her body. She was like a child, needing round the clock care. She had Muscular Sclerosis.

I looked at her and was so ashamed of whom everyone had turned me into. I had turned my back on the only mother I would ever have. So much time had passed. So much of that time wasted. I only got to see her once. I remember as I was about to leave she said to me..."don't cry... I am not going to die... it could be worse, I could have cancer!!!!"

At that moment, I knew she was very close to her final days. She had changed. She no longer was cold and distant. In that very moment, I was finally her little girl. She was trying to protect me from the truth.

But the truth came way quicker than I had imagined. I got the call around 9 PM. She had coded. Oh my God... She will never be able to hold me, or tell me she loves me. I will never be able to let her know I had always loved her... Always knew she loved me.

After her passing I learned she was mentally ill. All those years of thinking she was self-centered - and cared for no one but herself were all wasted. She had been this way since she was a little girl. I never knew.

It's to late now. It tears me up inside to know she is gone forever. I still have a hard time with it. I tend to ignore the reality of her being gone, but I know one day I will surely crash. Now I know... as we are all told... You only have one mother - and she won't be around forever... For me it is too late... but for you maybe not... Don't do as I did. Know that one day she will be gone... and all you will have left is regret - and very few good memories. Take each day and make a memory from it.

One day I will be able to put closure to this, but as of now... I wish for one more second...

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