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What Have I Learned From Life

Author: Anonymous, 05/02

The question has been posed with the expectation of an answer - What have you learned from life? This question has been asked by a good friend and requires a thoughtful response. As I ponder the gravity of this question, I realize that a life is the summation of the people we encounter and our experiences involving those people. In recognizing this, I have formulated my answer.

I have learned that my mother has no friends and has become bitter, maybe because of that. I realize I do not want to be like her. From her negativity, I have learned that it is better to rejoice in someone else's happiness and accomplishments than to look for their shortcomings.

From my father I have learned that by holding onto the ghosts of your past, you can miss out on your present. I have learned that even people of great intelligence, such as my father, can fall victim to the ravages of depression. I have learned that to be raised in a family with a depressed parent is a roller coaster ride of uncertainty and confusion. Because I find so many similarities between my father and myself, I have come to the realization that I am afraid of depression. Afraid of the stigma associated with its diagnosis. Afraid of the black hole of despair. Afraid of the ball and chain that I sometimes feel encircles my ankle, ever threatening to pull me into its deep depths. Afraid of its effects on my children through its effects on me. Afraid that I will not recognize its sinister approach until it's too late.

I have learned that love can be painful, physically and emotionally. I have learned that situations do not always make sense, neither in their midst nor in hindsight. I have learned that WHY does not always have an answer and that waiting for one can be a devastating merry-go-round, something like a CD player set on repeat. I have learned that abuse in its many forms reaches deep into your soul and shapes every decision you make for the rest of your life. I have learned that its effects are not fair.

I have learned that watching your children die is excruciatingly painful. The kind of pain that feels like your heart is being ripped from your chest without benefit of anesthesia. Even more painful is waking up each day without them. The missed birthdays fade into missed holidays, missed hugs magnify the missed I love you's.

I have learned that no one knows what to expect from grief but everyone just wants you to hurry up and get past it so they can be more comfortable. I have also learned that the passage of time helps me to heal.

I have learned that some people assume they know me but don't have a clue. I've learned that for those people, it's not worth the effort of correcting their misconceptions.

I have learned that society expects people to quickly and efficiently process information with the ability to then articulate their thoughts. I know not everyone can do that. My brother can't. I have learned that I am my brother's keeper. From my sister-spirit, Maria, who has also lost a child and can truly understand my pain, I have learned that there is strength in honoring my grief. For it is only through the process of feeling the profound loss in every fiber of my being that I am able to heal and once again participate in life.

I have learned that good friends are hard to find but worth the search. I have learned that it matters to me that someone knows where I have been and how I got here. It matters that someone sincerely cares how I am doing. It matters that someone wants to share my memories and make new ones. I have learned that I am because someone remembers.

I have learned to be in awe of God's greatness for He alone can renew the earth from its barren winter hibernation into its spring magnificence. It is God who creates life and the miracle of birth. I have learned to pray and that it matters.

I have learned that I love being a woman and all it entails. To know that my body is capable of conceiving, sustaining, and birthing life and then transitioning into the ability to nourish that life is amazing to me. The bond between me and each of my children began on the day I received the positive result from my pregnancy tests; was solidified on the day I first felt them move within my womb; and was further expanded on the day I delivered and nursed them for the first time with the understanding that they were totally dependent upon me and loved me unconditionally.

I have learned that parenting is sometimes difficult... sometimes fun... sometimes rewarding. Often full of second-guessing and concern... always worth the sacrifices.

I have learned that some people are just passing through my life and were never intended to stay for long... some are placed along my path for a particular purpose and must move on once that purpose has been fulfilled. I realize that their impact on my life has been great, although their time may have been short. I have learned that I have been profoundly and forever touched in a short time by some and by others who have endured through the years, sharing in my changes and growth. I have learned that some still have a purpose in my life.

I have learned that I want to grow old with my husband. I want to feel his love before he ever says the words. I want him to treasure my spirit and hold my heart with compassion. I want to trust him.

I have learned from my dear friend Dwayne that life is about the journey rather than the destination. He has taught me the importance of healing myself. More importantly, I have learned that I can heal.

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