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The Look
Author: D Anthony, D-Rose Impressions, 05/01
Since
I can remember, I've always been the kind of person who knew what
I wanted in life. My personality was upbeat… my outlook and
aspirations were eclipsed only by confidence in my abilities and
myself. Life held unlimited surprises. The future was an open
canvas just waiting for me to supply form, vibrancy and passion.
Then my mother passed away.
She meant everything to me. For the duration of a life
she had sacrificed for me. She sacrificed her time, her hopes,
her dreams, her peace of mind, her health, her aspirations and
her marriage. She sacrificed herself. She loved me and the rest
of her kids like there was no tomorrow. (Maybe because unlike
me, she comprehended that there would not always be a tomorrow.)
My Mom would have given anything she had for me. And because I
recognized that, and loved her so much, I would have gladly given
up my most prized possession for her - my life.
Sure… everybody has a mother. But not everyone has a mother
like mine. My Mom cared about three things - faith, friends and
her family. Her happiness was always derived from one of those
three sources. But seemingly it was family that brought the most
joy - and the most pain. I can't remember many times when my Mom's
happiness was not directly linked to someone in the family. And
when she was proud of her 'baby boy'… to me, she seemed the
happiest of all. Good report cards, awards, graduation from the
top ranked high school, glowing reports from neighbors, college
graduation, full and part time jobs, every thoughtful deed I did
- this made her proud. This produced the look... It was a look
that started as a twinkle in her eyes and eventually spilled over
into the most heartwarming smile. Whether she fully comprehended
the particulars of the effort or not, she comprehended enough
to know she was proud.
And I loved the feeling of the look… that feeling
of "that's my son, he came from me". And as the years
went by that feeling, that desire to see the expression of pride…
to feel the accompanying pure, unadulterated love became the most
important objective in my life. I wanted to succeed not just to
be successful - I wanted to make my Mom proud of me every chance
I got.
It's a funny thing about life though… just when you think
you've got it all figured out…
My Mom was taken out of my life merely months after I bought
a house for her to relocate and move in with me. With one last
breath she was gone. No more hugs… no more I just call to
say I love you… no more jokes about how tall she was (or
wasn't)… no more hearing I am a workaholic… no more
smiles… no more expressions of pride… no more Mom.
I was crushed. For the first time I truly comprehended the meaning…
the feeling of heartache. If you've never been there, I don't
have the words to explain it. And if you have been there…
I mean truly been there, I don't need to… It's probably somewhere
in the neighborhood of having a one ton weight delicately balanced
on your chest while someone methodically peels away each and every
layer of your heart with a dull, corroded butter knife. Needless
to say, it's not a good place to be.
For the first time in my aspiration driven life my reason was
gone - and with her my purpose, my interest, and any hope for
the future. What was the point? The most important person in the
world was just taken away - and nothing else mattered. For
the first time in my life I knew what it was not to care. As I look back on it, I didn't care how the people around me felt…
I didn't care what tomorrow would bring… truth be told, at
times, I didn't care whether I lived or died.
Then, in the midst of sorrow, I figured it out. My purpose in
life was to use my talents, meshed with what I had learned to
extend a positive message. In this I found a reason for living.
I figured if I made the intended positive impact on the world,
my Mom's passing would not be in vein. Further, my faith told
me that following in her footsteps as best I could, helping others
along the way - I would see her again.
So I started an inspirational web site. I surmised that inspirational
stories, poems, quotes and even humor would help people with issues
cope - while offering a huge dose of perspective to everyone else.
There in I found my new reason for living. The overwhelming bulk
of my time (outside of working and sleeping) was dedicated to
establishing a presence for the website. This mission absorbed
me. It gave my life and my mother's death meaning. Within three
years, I had made it through my devastating loss… through
the pain… through not wanting to be here… to the other
side. Well, not exactly…
Something seemed to be missing. Let's see… I had
my purpose, thus my life had direction again. My faith was stronger
than ever. But I wasn't happy. In fact, concepts like personal
happiness, relationships, interpersonal communication, aspirations,
all paramount to me before - had ceased to be important to me.
My only focus was making an impact in my mother's name. My perspective
on anyone who didn't understand was tough. I had found the only
logic that made any sense to me - and making it happen was all
that mattered. And in the end how much did it matter anyway? You
are born… you are young and innocent… you are happy…
eventually life hits you right between the eyes… no rhyme…
no reason… innocence is lost… you maintain… at
some point you die. Amazingly enough, at the same time that I
was growing a website full of inspiration and perspective - that's
how I felt inside.
Over time, family interactions became rare, friends fell out
of touch and I shifted into a comfortable auto pilot mode. I worked
on the job. I came home. I worked on the site. Happiness was
for the innocent. And my innocence died along with my mother.
Life was what it was. Right?
Not.
Life is about so much more. (Life is less about the words in
the philosophy expressed a couple of paragraphs ago - and more
about the dots.) The almighty creator does allow pain and sorrow
into your life, but he also allows laughter, hope and love. Life
is about dealing with the bad and finding the good. Life is about
learning you don't understand and being okay with it anyway. Life
is about whatever happiness you can manage to find along the way.
Life is about your faith and caring for others. Life is about
caring about yourself, everyday. In the end, life is about
what you choose to do with your dots.
I think my mother knew these simple truths - and it was all she
ever wanted for my sisters, my brother and me.
To tell you the truth I'm not sure exactly what brought me out
of it. Maybe it was time. Maybe it was hearing my better half
tell a neighbor - "It can't be hibernation because hibernation
doesn't last year round". Maybe it was a friend's question
about whether my Mom would be happy knowing I didn't care about
my own happiness. Maybe it was the Lord telling me it was time
to move on. Maybe it was Mom - looking out for me as always. (I
believe it was a little of each...)
I rented the 'Legend of Bagger Vance' video recently and found
a particular scene compelling. Matt Daimon's character, who had
lost his will to live says (paraphrasing) - What is the point…
you live, life deals you harsh blows, you die and nobody cares.
(Sound familiar?) To which Will Smith's character, an even-tempered,
good-natured, mysterious being that appears out of nowhere and
eventually departs in similar fashion, answers (paraphrasing again)
- Well that's about the saddest story… and the stupidest
thing I ever heard. You would have to see the movie to understand.
It spoke volumes to me. That was only the second saddest and stupidest
story I had ever heard. The most was my own.
Whatever the reason… I'm coming out of it. I have been rediscovering
family and friends. I am sharing my inner feelings more. I'm even
doing some planning for the future. Sunrises are a little brighter
- and hope is re-finding its way.
I now know my Mom didn't sacrifice everything she did for me
to throw my life away. My Mom sacrificed so that I would have
a chance to be happy. She didn't give me that I'm so proud of
you smile when I gave up without a fight. She gave me that look
when I met challenges head on… when I made a difference in
my life and the lives of others.
Mom, get ready with the look…
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Your
thoughts on 'The Look'
It was very inspiring
*
I am struck
by the passion the author has for his Mother. For all of us Mother
is our first love, yet few of us love so profoundly that we make
"love of Mother" the prime motivation for personal accomplishments.
So I think we have here the convergence of an extraordinary Mother
with an exceptional child.
Wow, and
it has produced a gift to the world manifested in this web site.
Thank you, thank you. The lesson for me is hammer this unspeakable
sorrow into something wonderful. You have shown us that it can
be done.
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