Four
years ago I was on top of the world. I was a young man - a college
graduate, in good health, in a rewarding and well paying career, with a positive attitude and confidence that didn't waiver.
It didn't waiver when I decided to seek a more interesting job
and received offers from each company applied for. It didn't waiver
when I accepted a job dependent on technology I had never supported
before. It didn't waiver when within a six-week period I had purchased
my first house, relocated to a new state and settled in to a new
career in a new industry. Things were coming together as planned.
Confidence was in great supply. My philosophy was that if I
stayed positive I had the power to do anything that I set my mind
to.
But before you get the wrong impression, I wasn't self-centered,
arrogant or pompous. To the contrary, in an unassuming way I
attempted to lead by example - extending my theories of personal
power to anyone who seemed to be in need.
And no intended audience for that message was more important
than my mother. On a regular basis she was subjected to my self-empowerment
beliefs. One particular phrase she used that would usually get
me going was, "I'm just going to leave it in the hands of
the Lord". I can almost hear me now "Mom, the
Lord gave you a brain, two arms, two legs and everything else
you need to solve your problems - you have to make it happen,
not sit back and wait for divine intervention". I would tell
her she needed to be stronger. I would tell her she shouldn't
just let things happen - she needed to take control of her own
destiny.
Two weeks into the new job, one week into the new house, I accomplished
my most important goal. My Mom relocated from another state and
moved in. Finally, I could take care of the person who had
dedicated so much of her life to me. I could lead by example,
challenge her to take control of her life and help her to be happy.
I could remove her financial worries and replace them with hope
for the future.
Shortly thereafter my Mom took ill and, merely months later,
died. So much for hope for the future so much for challenging
her to take control of her life so much for my so-called
personal power - and for being able to do anything I set my mind
to. When the chips were down and it really mattered, I couldn't
do a damn thing to stop my mother from dying right before my eyes.
I could do a damn thing but cry and pray - pray that there was
a heaven pray that God would see her through pray
that I would see her again.
Isn't it funny that no matter how mighty and powerful we think
we are, when the chips are really down, when danger looms,
we find our way back to the one and only true source of power
- faith. My Momma had faith. It's only after her death, a
river of tears, pain and heartache, anger, a shaken foundation
and much contemplation, I've come to realize that faith is what
she was referring to when she said, "I'm going to leave it
in the hands of the Lord". She meant she was going to lean
on her faith. Now I know that she realized that some things were
beyond her control - but never beyond the Lord's. Mom's philosophy
didn't shatter in the face of a catastrophe - it made her stronger.
I saw a movie in which a prisoner unexpectedly grabbed a psychiatrist
there to evaluate him. Holding a pen to his throat, he threatened
to stab the shocked, and now frightened man, if he could not tell
him what had just been taken away. The doctor, fighting back the
tears, responded that the patient had taken away his control.
The correct answer was he had taken away his illusion of control
- since control is something we truly only think we have.
As for me now I still believe in myself. But more importantly,
I am empowered by my faith. The house, the job, the money,
the degree - I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have my Momma
back. If I had it to do over I'd spend less time telling her what
she needed to do and more time telling her I love her no matter
what. I'd spend less time worrying about how she would do in the
future and more time finding out how she felt today. I'd talk
less and listen more. I'd teach less and learn more. I'd think
less and believe more. I'd tell her I was proud of her more than
she said she was proud of me. I'd spend less time at work and
more time in her presence. And she would know more and more each
day how much she was loved.
But the truth is I don't have it all over to do again and
neither do you
Your
thoughts on 'Looking Up'
This
one really hit home! Food for thought...Kim G